I’ve been taking stock of myself lately but not in the depressing way where you feel a bit forced to self-evaluate for reasons that are beyond your control, for example aging, family problems, or financial woes. None of those things are on my mind, instead my mind is filled with thoughts of something of greater significance.

Here’s the deal, I’ve been a baptized member of my church for 9 years. I’m proud of my decision to get baptized, I believe it’s the single most important decision that I’ve made in my life. I don’t take all the credit. Of course my friends worked really hard to bring me to the valley of decision, and the church members were so kind and nurturing, and we cannot forget the powerful experience with the Holy Spirit that drove me to the point of recognizing that I am a sinner in need of a savior. And here I am, 9 years later, still committed, even after folks said I wouldn’t stay. Here I am, 9 years later, even after so many of the people that I loved in the church moved away. Here I am 9 years later; even after the pastor who baptized me had to move on to shepherd other churches. Here I am, 9 years later, asking myself “why do I stay?”

I ask this question because I have grown exhausted of the dragging monotony of Sabbath service. I have grown weary of interchurch politics. I’m tired of seeing people sleeping in the sanctuary while spiritual persons of God preach their hearts out. I’m tired of dead Sabbath services. I’m tired of seeing God’s visionaries hampered, delayed and destroyed. I’m tired of religion getting in the way of spirituality. I’m tired of seeing youth sitting curb side while adults try to turn back the hands of time; all the way to the 1800s. I’m tired seeing youth leave the church. I’m tired of debates about jewelry, music, drums, tattoos, the illuminati, free masons, praise dance (signing), hip hop, television and so on. I’m tired of folks saying we need to return to that old time religion, and I’m tired of folks saying we need to be more progressive.

This cesspool of adjectives is how I describe my Christian experience after 9 years: exhausted, weary, and tired… why would someone remain in a circumstance that makes them feel these things?

This question has been on my mind for at least a couple months now and it’s a jarring (to affect disagreeably) question because I’m not sure what it is that I am asking myself. Am I asking myself to leave? No, not exactly. What I am asking is why do I stay?

The operative word in the question is stay? And the context of the question is, “why do you stay when things aren’t the way you want them to be?” “Why do you stay when your emotions about being here have turned negative?”

It took me a couple of months but I thank God for this question because I understand now why I stay, and I understand why folks leave. Folks leave because these feelings can be overwhelming, and when one is feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, leaving becomes a coping mechanism. Our Christian experience should not be filled with dread and disillusionment, but it often is.

When we are feeling overwhelmed with our Christian experience if we don’t face that reality with purpose and clarity we will either leave, or stay and wreak havoc. You ever wonder why some of the members of the church who have been there for 20 some-odd years come across as bitter and generally unhappy? I’ve met so many of them. And it seems to me that these folks have not cried it out with God and asked Him what is going on with me…

So why do I stay? I stay because Christ’s values are now my values; I personally own His statutes and deeply honor His commandments. I stay because I still profoundly believe in His plan of salvation and I honor His commitment to that plan. I stay because I continue to see His vision for my future by looking at what He has delivered me from in my past. I stay because He has started a work in me and I’m looking forward to Him completing it. I stay because the only beauty I know in life is Christ and I am marvelously drawn to that beauty. I stay because words like faith, hope, grace, deliverance and victory have meaning in His presence. I stay because in Him I am alive.

I suppose it’s important for Christians to evaluate their reasons for staying, because it’s for certain that your reasons for staying will be checked and challenged at some point. It’s a bitter experience, but well worth it, if you’d only stay.

Psalms 18:16-18

He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the LORD was my stay.